12 Commandments of flaming

["Antony Van Couvering" <avc@interport.net>]

Posted by me last in Sept. 1997, but it's time again....

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I must say the quality of the flames is going down on the domain-related
lists.  I'd like to repost some rules so that we can operate these lists
again as first-class sewers of unconscionable blather.

--Antony

From: rolleston_c@ix.wcc.govt.nz (Chris Rolleston)
Subject: The Twelve Commandments of Flaming
Date: 19 Sep 1994 13:03:33 GMT


1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies
sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly,
Brian Hillis is a racist, and a dirtball to boot."

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're
qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Peach Pshawski (God Bless
You!), by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad
case of .........."

3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the
next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From OPINION to
EZ-READER to PETS to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their breaths until
your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
*possibly* be that you're a #anatomypart@. There's obviously a
conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by
exposing it.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the
Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to
be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group,
|Didley has libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in
court, |Didley."

6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Ralph Gagliano states
outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand
documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Ralph's pasta
preferences, then Ralph's obviously lying.

7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca
of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times
per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum", "vini,
vidi, vici", "fetuccini alfredo".

8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to
convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State
that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them
the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800
on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word
'premeiotic'".

9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by
the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your
cross-posting or move a flame war to Netusers is either a communist, a
fascist, or both.

10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent,
have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have
seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is
the beauty of flamers' logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember
this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you
will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than
you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make
you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing
to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange
things with..........."