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[ga] Hey Shawana, Enter to Win $50,000!
September 18, 2000 - Vol. 5, Issue 35
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I woke up this morning on my rented bed to the blaring sound of my
rented stereo in my rented room in a hotel in Times Square. I walked
to my broker who rented me a very nice apartment on the East Side. I
then went to a store to rent some furniture for my newly acquired home.
After much deliberation over the furniture, I decided that since I was
on my way to a new life, I wanted to break up with my significant
other.
The thing is, I don't normally have the heart to break someone else's,
so I surfed the net for a while and I found that RentaPoet.com would
save me the trouble. All I had to do was tell them what I want to say
and they wrote the perfect poem which ended the relationship. I could
not initially decide between rhyming prose or iambic pentameter, so I
just went with the free verse. I'm sorry, sweetie, it was fun, but I
am on my way to a new rented life
Shortly after I moved into my new place, I found out that I had to
attend a family reunion in Arizona. I couldn't afford the airfare and
my frequent flyer miles wouldn't take me on the day that I desired so I
once again signed onto my trusty computer (the only thing that I
actually own outright) and I found Rent-A-Relative. For a great price,
I hooked up my family with a person who looked just like me. My twin
even laughed and snorted at the same time just like me. I then found
out that they are hiring stand ins in New York. All I could think was
I love to rent and now I can be rented!
Anyway, I decided that I wanted to throw a housewarming party, but I
didn't want to have a boring run of the mill clown prancing around
making
balloon animals and honking his red nose. So I found a web site called
Show-Service Diana, which rents poisonous animals. I thought to myself,
"now this is the type of excitement I want at my party." So I stocked
up
on anti-venom, and I scattered a few King Cobras about the house to add
a little suspense. I had a hard time deciding whether or not to
actually
tell my guests about the little venomous darlings that I had slithering
around, but I thought that I should at least give them a fighting
chance
(the guests I mean).
After living on the East Side for a while, I decided that it was fun,
but I was ready to move on to some other, yet to be explored, sector of
the city. However, I couldn't break the lease that I had so naively
signed a few months before. I once again turned to the web and I found
Rent-A-Ghost. This was my saving grace. They are the only place in the
world that will make your house haunted. So I got some rattling chains,
a few gray ladies and a lot moaning. I must say, it was hard to sleep
the first couple of nights, but after a while I started to find the
gray ladies to be very good company and the methodical moaning turned
out to be a great sleeping aid. If only the Brady Bunch boys had known
about Rent-A-Ghost, they never would have gotten caught and their
Marcia,
Jan and Cindy would have been scarred forever.
I used to be the kind of person who bought stuff, but now I have become
a loyalist to renting. I rented things that I never thought I could
rent. I never even thought I could buy them. However, there are still
a few holes in this rent only life that I have been leading. I have yet
to see rentable food. I think that you should pay for the amount of
time
that the food stays in your body. Just like renting an apartment, food
is only a temporary thing. Something, or should I say someone, else
that
I have looked high and low for is a "yes man." That's right, I want
someone to follow me around night and day agreeing with everything I
say. What better way is there to inflate my ego? If I say the sky is
green, then I want to hear, "Yes sir! And what a beautiful green it is
sir!" Aah, now that would be the life.
You too can rent a ghost,
a poet,
an
animal or
a relative
today! So hop to it!
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